Friday, September 2, 2016

A person-shaped hole, never collapsing.

The words are never easy to come up with.

I was 17 when I first got to meet him face to face. We had art together in second semester in 2013.

He was such a dynamic and insightful person. So many strong things to say.

He grew up to chase the dream. His art and passion flowed from him. His sister puts it best.

"If you knew Alec, you knew he loved taking the piss as much as the craft. "

He was such a promising and charismatic person, and he brought so much change, dynamic to so many people.

he had such a hard honest opinion that you hated hearing it. But fuck it was always so true, and so cutting that you

felt so compelled to work harder and harder.

We were never close per se, but his impression was... is. His impression is ever-lasting.

There was so much left unsaid, so many thoughts and ideas, insights, feelings.

But there is no telling what the present would be like due to the impossibility of changing the past.

Goodbye to someone so wonderful and unique, that the words remain difficult to come up with.

Friday, September 25, 2015

riffin on TV, shittin on Youtube.

like shit
ever notice how big bang theory has been on for like seven seasons but the characters havent done any development?
but community is like, fighting with its last breath for a season six, but after about four seasons, we have a completely different batch of relatable chucks to realte to and FEEL FEELINGS WITH?!

yo check it. incoming wall of text.
Im spitting mad bars on television.

im getting deep into the character development in community
and how well thought out it all was
how the characters interacted with each other, and left realistic impressions on eachother over time
lets start off with some things community did hella right to make itself stand out like it does.
i mean, i get that this is a total opinion thing, but i see some objective reasons why connecting with the show is way more mentally satisfying
this is me talking about community versus brooklyn nine nine, potentially my two favorite shows.
maybe cause its in a community college setting, where its easy to buy that sort of thing where people go to learn and grow from other people and that just doesnt cut it in the cop world
that sort of thing being
Brooklyn nine nine has potential cause of how motley and jumbled the casting is, and how well the chemistry amongst the actors balances out. but i feel like its writing is so like... skeletal and lacking. theyre a six that can jump to a nine if they put a little more thought into it.
im still in those early first breaths out of the womb with that show though.
maybe every actor will stop being in their own little bubble and finally start to leave slight impressions on each other eventually
community did such a great job of that
all the character driven shit, all the development that came from external influence.
its what makes the shows so watchable
like community actually managed to get actual tears out of me for some episodes. just based off of pure feeling.
watching everyone grow, and change, and interact with each other and start to become incredibly detailed and convincing characters.
thats what made it so real and leap off the screen.
the character interaction actually left impressions on the characters
i say again :P{
like the thought was put into the character development, definitely

there was direction for everyone to go, but the how to get there made that direction less obvious and so buyable and like.. kinda moving.


it was all like

chatacter A gains more insight about his actions by interacting with characters B, C and D, all with varying perspectives relating to an issue that character A responded to in a certain way.
it was my favorite thing about how the show made me feel
thats another thing. tv sucks at making me feel.

community dont.
community dont suck at making me feel

like normal tv does
have you ever attempted to get through an episode of 2 broke girls?


or anger management with charlie sheen or big bang theory? its all so just... UGH.
big bang theory is incredibly formulaic, cause it depends on the characters being more or less the same, interacting still, but always in the same way. episode after episode.


every show has quality that makes it appealing. i get that. im not trying to tear stuff down that i dont like for personal reasons here. im just trying to make a couple points, maybe they matter maybe they dont

its chill this is the internet we can do what we like.

i get that its comfy and nice to see those lovable geeks get the girl on big bang theory.

over. and over.

its wish fulfillment, its satisfactory. but thats just it. its satisfactory... at best.

I feel a deeper sense of connection, and sort of self actualization with shows like community, and doctor who.


I've learned i have an acidic distaste for like 98% of youtube. and i finally figured out why.

the same reason im riding communitys dick so hard

I'm not toning down my phallic references. phallic repression built america and that entire nation makes the rest of the world uncomfortable.
but anyway, yeah. i dont know why, but i really dont like... the fake reality of what catches on with youtube.

everyone has to dumb their shit down to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and never deviate from formula, cause formula is success, because success is popularity.

and popularity means, you have to be the joke that everyone gets.

popularity means, you have to sacrifice being Monsters Inc, and instead just be Minions.

you have to stop being Community, and instead just be Big Bang Theory.

have fallen head over heels in love with channels like soulbruthanumbuh3, RCR, JonTron, and early Bro Team. Stuff with brain, but behind cheek.

seriously, go watch any Soulbrutha review of any movie and youll see what i mean.
the objectivity, the audacity to call out the typical, the insight, the THOUGHT.

sb3 came from a directorial background. Guys a film buff who really payed some attention. and his delivery is solid and truthy, with a real hood spin he comes by so honestly with, that keeps things fresh but not in an attempt to appear edgy or inflated.

its straight objectivity, without ego.

RCR, kind of the same, but from a pure academic literary standpoint. He took what he did in university... and his honest and objective nature when it comes to knowing his shit, but just applied it to his passion, cars. Same insight, same thought, but more... Allegory. Analogy, weird references to things the ilk doesnt understand. Shit flies over my head left and right with him. But his delivery is so truthy and so... Seasoned, i cant help but just FEEL like i know.

Bro team just yells about videogames. Doenst dress his shit up, doesnt sumb it down, throws his film school magic in, kinda jingles his keys while reading aloud from a popular mechanics article. Not art, but shit makes me clap and giggle.

and JonTron gets an honorable mention for the sheer development hes made. the progress of the process.
sure, hes just talkin about videogames like everyone else but shit. his delivery, confidence, and insight have come a long ass way from his California years.

his move to NY was kind of his progress as a youtube show personified. He literally moved on to bigger and better things with himself, and it really showed in his new living space. new headspace. more room to grow, spread his creative wings and crank out bomb ass content.

And like, sure none of this stuff is really any world changing shit in of itself
theres no real like "omfg MY favorites are so underrated cause STOP LIKING WHAT I DONT LIKE"

but still, i kind of see this pattern. when stuff has lots of thought put into it, and lots of personal, or critical infuence. No one pays attention.

Dont believe me? picture us at a party, and ive got you cornered. and I start talking about my "acidic distaste for 98% of YOUTUBE."

do you give one ioda that lives down the street from half of a fuck about what comes next?
you could have obligation to listen to me. you could see how much thought, and how much of myself comes out in what im trying to say. But no one wants to listen.

Im not gonna win the room spitting bars about youtube n shit.
just my sort of observation taking effect i guess
and im not saying this out of self deprecation, its more of a "argument in action" sort of thing. I wouldnt wanna hear some hot dog neckin neckbeard go on about some shit that i have no frame of reference on, or start attacking things that maybe I sorta like, because I have like... a personal autonomy. I have my own opinions... Obviously.

And if i hear someone go off on some tangential tyrade about some fly on a heap of zebra shit then i guess im just not gonna fucking tune in for more than a few seconds.

Anyway, TV and internet media are doin great. congrats.

Saturday, May 30, 2015


yeah. thats a great way of putting it.
Incoming volley of unrelenting rage, by the way. This is a long time coming.

Okay, so yeah, I like, barely post here?
Mainly because i sort of shortened my little operation up and diviersified my effort.
I admin like, five active facebook pages now?

yeah, this is where most of the internet headspace goes these days.
Posting and sharing horrible content that makes me giggle, because we all cant do any better.

But heres the thing about doing that. this whole facebook page bullshit.

Most of the comunity is a bunch of REALLY assholistic (that is, asshole, AND holistic. Just being a 100% asshole cross the board.) sperglords who vapidly and openly express their really angry sort of opinions in a really edified, but still incredibly ignorant and fucked up manner. And bam! thats my audience now! That is the lowest common denominator of which i must appeal to.

See, this is why i still have my blog. It is my vessel of pure anger, angst and contempt that nobody checks, save for a few personal pals that wont judge me or pick apart everything I say because they kind of get where It's coming from. Good on you guys for letting me vent.

See, here's my beef, fam.

A lot of the community likes to pick apart the whole Social Justice movement thats been gaining a lot of momentum lately. And that just fuckin boils my fluids.
Cause a lot of people are, I guess just that devoid of any real thought process or creativity, they gotta pick on the people who are so desperatley fighting for themselves and their own identity in a manner that i guess just aint good enough.
And yeah, I get that a lot of people have a lot of really good, well-thought-out, and really smartly put points agains this whole issue but honestly, even if you coat an asshole in honey, its just a honey-coated asshole.

Yeah, I get it. Oooooh man. Youre the hottest shit on the block, bro! Pretending to be mad at something you know nothing about in an attempt to manipulate people? GOOOOD DAMN, THATS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL!!!!!!

One thing thats really getting me INCREDIBLY annoyed is the whole "tumblr feminists are all fat lel"
Stop judging people for what they look like, how they decide to spend their lives, or what they beleive in. As soon as you try to bring that judgement into your deconstruction or refuting of the central point, youve officially turned your bullets into cotton balls.
God, I fucking swear the only reason this shit stays on the internet is because is someone ran their mouth like they run their keyboard, theyd be picking their teeth up off the floor.

I guess my frustration solely comes from the void of respect in any of this shit.

And dont even think for a second im letting the other side of this argument off scott free either. There are some big dumb meanies looking like theyre fighting for social justice, buit are really just spinning their tires and honking about nothing at all.

The worst part is when one side doesnt get the irony or the argument of the other. And this happens. All the fucking time.

And I get talking about shit like this is literal online suicide, but whatever. I'm not gonna try to cover my ass over this. You're all being a bunch of dumb babies.


Keep your politics, your religion (I'm sorry. Atheism is a religion. Most of you loudmouths who claim Atheism are really just skwacking about how much you hate organized religion, day in and day out, forever. If you dont wanna work, then that becomes your job. Lots of overtime, and no days off. Same rules for faith.)

And I know its mainly just the fundies who are so stoked on themselves they gotta smack everyone else with their massive E-chubby, but thats exactly who im talking about.

The people who favour the shit theyre into over respecting anyone else for any reason.

God, at least my christian friends get that. the whole respect thing.

If youre into something, by GOD be into it. But dont put others down over how they're not. Keep your mouth shut, and let people do what they want.

No one cares about your opinion, whether you admin a facebook page or not.

Sorry for all the salt. I'm just so over the bullshit right now.

While I;m at tit, I feel it necessary to deliver a shoutout to this page, he says what I'm trying to, but hes less upset and more focused.

anyway yeah, i better stop talking about this before my heart starts to skip.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Monitor, Titus Andronicus

This is an album I know like the back of my hand

Titus Andronicus' The Monitor is a very special and important release to me because its themes and motifs are incredibly relatable as they are inspiring and vast.

The instrumentation is pretty basic and washy, lo fi electric guitars and bass, driving punk drums, wheezing organs and bagpipes, pretty folk punk record.

and the vocals are crackly and whiny, like Patrick Stickles is crying and singing all at once, drawing a very pretty picture of Pianos Become The Teeth, perfectly capturing the imagery of social exile and alienation with crippling depression and blinding angst.

And you know what?

Its eerily perfect.

This record tells the story of a breakup, relating it to the events of the American Civil War, with excerpts of letters and poetry recorded in between songs or movements.

It goes through the painful angst and melancholy of the troubled youth as they fight and struggle through university and the unfeeling masses refusing to accept the diverse or otherwise unique, with lyrics bearing such weight and anguish, its impossible to not feel emotionally grounded or at least solemnly aware while listening.

This album is an emotional power trip as much as it is a howling homage to the bands efforts previous, bringing in the theme 'Titus Andronicus Forever' as a resonating Bro Anthem of the band and its fanbase.

This album taught me a lot about myself and my feelings during a really dark and angsty time in my life, and I really carry a lot of gratitude towards it.

This band was kind of like... There for me, like this record specifically, and I have a lot of personal attatchment to it. And I think thats what Titus Andronicus was really trying for here, because the record is so deeply personal and heartfelt you cant help but relate to it in some way.

This record takes on such concepts as anti-americanism, the human condition, personal inadequacy, and the struggle of self loathing.

A lot of the lyrics come from a dark place in Patrick Stickles' mind and his heart.

It is made abundantly clear the pain and isolation he was feeling when he wrote these songs, as the words kind of carry a sort of self-hating tone and the subject matter of which the songs are about are very obviously kind of painful experiences in his life.

The artwork is very simple, mainly old photos from the civil war era taken in a kind of blue scale which i think compliments the album greatly, giving it a really Northern, kind of somber feel.

The last track is what really sets this apart from your average angsty emopunk album.
Weighing in at Fourteen minutes and eleven seconds, The Battle of Hampton Roads takes up an entire side of The double LP release. and that's just what this track is, its a final release, the last phlegmy exhale before you can breathe clearly again, the last push to survival and assured victory, that night where you break down completely over her before you start picking your pieces back up. At the same time, its a prime example of the futility of angst in the first place. I identified with this album most when i was seventeen going on eighteen. It sounds very similar to that of the musings and wails of the late adolescent emo kid, but it was written by a bearded twenty something about college in New Jersey. But for what it is, this track is absolutely stunning and well engineered and produced. It takes a special kind of magic to make fourteen minutes feel like nothing in terms of songs. And they managed to hit it right on the head with this track. Its flow is remarkable, and its layered textures are very visible and complimented by each other, along with the final gasps of despair echoing into emptiness. This track has perfect builds and the order of the album is such a perfect set up for this amazing punk rock desertif that drinks like a 24 case of bud light platinum and carries you up to your room when youre done sitting in the back yard rambling about pork chops, with like, a gatorade and a puke bowl n shit. This song knows how to end an album.

This might be the personal attatchment, sense of nostalgia, and overall likability of the band, but i am definitely feeling like this record deserves some serious praise.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

100th post.

It has taken me like give or take three or four years to write 100 different things on this website.

This blog has been a vessel of feels all throughout my angsty years.

Like a... sea hearty wife of a terrified sailor

and throughout EVERYTHING, it has been there. In all of my love, and all of my loss, my drug addled rage and drug fueled euphoria.

Through all of the jobs ive had, and all of the music ive written, performed, tried to record, and soon to be carrying into TWO schools with me.

100 posts.


Well, 90 technically. 90 that YOU'VE seen.

But ive been busy. Beleive it or not, there are some things i write that I DONT post on here! Be them too long and contrived, too short to be substantial, not informative enough, not upbeat enough, TOO angsty, maybe too suicidal...

some ideas i do eventually bring to the forefront, though merely in retrospect.

And even now, while I sit here marking the seventh consecutive hour watching the horrific plastic snakeman version of Henry Rollins known as Mark Landsberg speak about... I dont know, sportsball? Seriously this mans uncanny valley ass face is the most horrifying fucking thing.

he looks like a Ken Doll you left on the stovetop.

In fact almost everyone on this show looks like an off-brand punk rocker....

We have meltyface Henry Rollins, jobless plumber Lars Frederiksen, and just the literal guys from Four Year Strong, sitting in a cold metal studio literally exchanging twitter handles for an hour or two what is this garbage

but anyway yeah 100 posts i am a big deal sup

Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Last Known Space Cowboy

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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

We Fight On

I kinda miss back when my feelings of angst and inadequacy ruled my existance and I wasnt so grown up and quiet.

At least I had something to say, even if it didnt matter.

However, even with the importance of what I have to say being at all relevant or not, I dont miss feeling super ridiculously shitty and not having the motivation to put up with stuff i didnt want to continue with anymore to carry me forward into something i MIGHT wanna do later.

Life since this blog crashed has been a laugh, and thats just the way I like it. Now everything really feels like its a building block, like life is going somewhere, like I'm leveling up and its good!

Lifes about to get a little harder, but in a good way, not a depressing one.

Which is AWESOME. I legit fucking hate being depressed.

Im glad thats all behind me.

I still get glimpses of it, but it is never as bad as it used to be.

Depression built a fighter, when it wanted to wreck a weak link.